double checking reality bounce

I’m not overly sensitive, honest.  Things that perturb me usually just roll of my back and I can take it in stride.  And I’m generally not a worrier.  Worry is interest on a debt never paid, as the saying goes.  But I like to think things through. 

If I’m going someplace new for dinner, especially if I’m meeting friends and I don’t want to be late, I might arrive early just so I have enough time in case I have difficulty finding it.  If it is an important date, say… I am receiving an award for an outstanding ability finally recognized or something equally serious as that, I might check the place out hours in advance.  I like to case the joint, acquaint myself with the exits and the decorum.  Sometimes I may even cohort with the staff and make an aquaintence early so as to have a little savvy with the service people later on. 

I may over  think a situation a little but nothing makes me angrier with myself then to find I should  have followed my instincts and didn’t.  So, no doubt like you… I like to double check,  perhaps to an excess.

I am in the process of applying for permanent residency in Canada.  Coming from the State of Florida, this might seem a little odd.  But I married my French-Canadian sweetheart and her circumstances won’t allow her to leave there to come here, so I must leave here and go there.  I imagine there will be a bit of a culture shock and some temperature adjustments but I can handle it.  (really, how cold could it get?  50? sheesh!)

Anyway, first up… get finger printed and checked out by the FBI.  Yep, somewhere up in Washington there is a color glossy folder with my fingerprints enshrined for prosperity.  I guess they have to make sure I’m not some sort of radical or hardened criminal, which is fine.  The only thing that made me nervous was the fact that since CSI and all those other programs started coming on television all kinds of scenarios popped into my fertile imagination.  Like maybe I was a sleep walking bandit, maybe my fingerprints were on some unsolved case from 20 years ago that I (remember: innocent until proven guilty) knew nothing about or things like that. 

But fear not.  My record was/is unblemished.  (except for that little run in with the law for disturbing the peace which happened years ago and was waay over stated…  I have witnesses!) 

So with one hurdle easily crossed I move on to the next requirement, a physical examination.  I have had several of those and needless to say… they ain’t fun.  In fact, I just had one recently and found out that I am in reasonably good health, which pleases me very much.  But for immigration purposes you must use one of their recommended doctors.  

After consulting the list there are only 4 offices in the State of Florida that they use and they are all on the lower east coast.  Living on the west coast of Florida they are nearly three hours away from me, but practically within walking distance of each other.  If I had lived in Tallahassee that would have amounted to nearly six hours of driving! (sigh) 

So I count my blessings and call for my appointment.  The lady takes my information and schedules me for the following Wednesday.  I am delighted because I had anticipated a much longer wait time, since they only do physical examinations for Canadian immigration one day a week.  (Wednesday)  I guess there aren’t that many people leaving Florida in favor of Canada.

Well, all was good.  I called my new bride and told her the good news.  The immigration process seems very daunting but already we have one major item down and another one nearly completed.  But then a thought occurred to me.

“You know, I didn’t ask them if I should fast before my examination.”

“You didn’t?  Usually they require that for a physical, don’t they?”

“Hmm… Yes, darn!  Oh well, I have enough time that I can call and double check before I go.”

“That would probably be good, just in case.”

“Yes!  I don’t want to go to all that trouble and then find I shouldn’t have eaten before I arrived.”

So with that settled I decide to call the office the first chance I get, which was today since yesterday was a holiday and tomorrow is the big thumbs up! (literally)  I call their office and just as the receptionist answers the phone I get one of these little panicky things, like when you are in school and you don’t wanna raise your hand and ask a question because you don’t want everyone else to think you are dense?  Anyway she gives the spiel about “it’s a beautiful day at such and such medical services, may I help you?”

Ah hem.  “Yes, ah… this is… ah, Kris Kristofferson and I have an appointment tomorrow for a physical examination for immigration purposes?  and I was wondering, do I need to fast prior to my arrival?”

Now this woman sounds like she is a cross between Peter Lorre and Natasha (of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame?  Boris Badenov’s slinky comrade?)  and I feel myself getting smaller as the conversation ensues.

“Meester Crease-off yur son, we vould have towld you if youd’ave needled to fast.” (she sounds a bit put off by my question)

“Yes, well… I have had physicals in the past and I just wanted to double check…”

“No no no… we vould have towwld you.” (you imbeseal!  leestin to whot I’ve towld you!)

” and I appreciate that, but I am coming from across the state…”

“Ve do das all the time Meester Crease-off yur son, view need not vworry.”  (ey yi yi! vot an eediot!)

“…and Wednesday is the day for Canadian immigration…”

“yas but we vould’ave towwld you.” (dumbkoff!  Fernando! Sylvester!  I’ve vwone of deese crazy Canuck wannabes on de line!)

“Okay, well… thank you… I guess I won’t worry about it then.” 

“Das right… not a pwoblem, ve do das thing all de time and ve vwould’ve towwld you if youd’ave needled too fast.”

It’s one of those times when you are glad you didn’t give your real name, but then you have to wonder… are all careful people treated this way?  I mean, it’s okay to try and get it right the first time, isn’t it?  No harm in trying?  A little bit of somethin’s better than a whole lot of nothin’?  Nothin’ ventured, nothin’ gained? 

Nothin’ ain’t worth nothin’ but it’s free?

I mean… it’s good enough for me and Bobby McGee.




2 Responses to “double checking reality bounce”

  1. Chantal Says:

    Omigosh! That was funny! Brilliant, Mr. C, brilliant!
    (by the way, what little run-in with the law for disturbing the peace?….just wondering….you know….I don’t recall you mentioning that before we got married…..)


  2. Karen Says:

    You did that accent very well. French-Canadian?

    Chris & I went to Canada about 4 years ago. We were taking 6 cactus plants & a Bible to a young lady in Regina. (Young = early 20’s.) Crossing the border was an experience. Chris had an arrest, when he was 16, that the Canadian border guards picked up on. They acted like it was for something alot worse than what it was (purse snatching (receiving) = strong arm robbery) & like he was a rapist going after one of their citizens. Here he was, wife, son, & dog in tow, & we sat there for 4 hours. Coming back, the US guards didn’t want to let the dog back in because we didn’t have her shot records, even though she had a current rabies tag on her collar. They finally let her in. They didn’t want Chris camping on the Canadian side of the border while I drove to Colorado to get her records.

    I wish you luck. I think we’re staying where we don’t need a passport.

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